The 2 Sides of Rejection

You know what I've noticed? Rejection hurts. Yes. I said that. Ever been kicked in the stomach? That's how rejection can feel. It can make you question your very existence and suck the breath out of you.

But...

What if there's another side to rejection?

What if rejection is more than feeling like you're not good enough? Like you don't fit in? I've had my own run with rejection, and it has caused me to freeze more than I'd like to admit.

Rejection can rear its ugly head when your physical, social, psychological, emotional, and basic needs are unmet. It starts as a child, but it can show up anytime along your journey. Regardless of where it shows up in your life, when it does, it becomes so personalized and internalized that your view of yourself derives from this place called rejection - and it's usually a negative, dark, scary, and lonely place. They say perception is reality, and I tend to agree.

But did you know there is another side to rejection? What if you could work to change your perception and see rejection from a different place? A place where it helps to build you up instead of tear you down?

Allow me to share with you three ways to see the "other" side of rejection.

#1: Rejection can mean it's time for you to reassess yourself. What are your current values; needs, and beliefs? Rejection doesn't have to mean you failed, but it can mean that there is something that doesn't fit into your value system, and sometimes that's a good thing. Have you ever wanted to date someone who rejected you, only to find out later that the person was a jerk? And then you wondered what you ever saw in that person anyway? Yup, that rejection was good and purposeful! Sometimes you have to reflect and identify your motives; are you giving yourself the short end of the stick? Reassess yourself, respect yourself, and prepare to make personal changes. :)

#2 Rejection can mean there's another door for you to walk through. No one likes to hear "no," but if all we heard was "yes"the world would have no back bone, and we would all walk around like chameleons and shape shifters, trying to fit into that next square or circle, or whatever. Sometimes hearing "no" can put a fire under your butt to go harder, to be more focused and more determined. It can serve as fuel for you to bust into something, or bust out of it for that matter. Either way, for every 10 "no's", there's a "yes" somewhere in there. It's not the end for everything, it's the end for that thing, and that's okay. There may be something bigger and better on the other side of that "no." Keep walking. Keep pushing. Keep it moving people.

#3 Rejection provides insight about the story line that is playing out in your life. Your story line may stem from some form of lack or a situation from your past and it became the lens from which you now view life. It may play out like a parent being there physically but not emotionally; or a parent being overly strict and not allowing you freedom to be you, so you were forced to believe your opinion doesn't matter; or suffering in silence from sexual abuse and keeping it to yourself because of...well, too many reasons to go into. When this happens, rejection is the main character that can dictate every move you make (or don't make). But if you can recognize that it's a story line created by your parents, or the environment, or the situation, you can learn to shut that chapter of your life and begin to create your own story line. Find the unhealthy story line, and begin to create your own story.

Now, here's the caveat.

Go back and read this again. Because you'll see that there is no indication that this is an easy process. When you deal with rejection you are chipping away at a foundation. It is a process, but there is hope. Rejection in some ways, albeit strange, can help you to flip the coin in a way that it becomes of value to your life. No one likes rejection, and we all will experience it throughout our lives But can it become a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block?

There you have it. Two sides to Rejection. How do you view rejection?

If you can identify with dealing with rejection, you know it's deep rooted from your past, and you're ready to challenge it to put it into it's proper context, reach out and let's crack the code of rejection. You've got places to go and things to do, and it's time to change the narrative.

Contact me at www.butterflyeffectccc.com

Trauma Hats

Image by Image by Hans Braxmeier. Pixabay.com

We all have different hats that we wear depending on the situation. I have several hats - a mom hat, a therapist hat, a wife hat, a professional hat, a friend hat, a sibling hat, a ministry hat, and more. Each hat serves a purpose. It's not me being fake. It's me adjusting to what is needed in the moment.

All of the hats are mine. I just don't need to wear them all of the time. Typically it's a fluid process of moving from one hat to another, but not always.

Sometimes I can't control the hats and I have to verbally remind myself to remove the hat; that I am not in that place or space anymore. Honestly, it's hard to take off the therapist hat once I get home, but my family will remind me I am 'not' their therapist, lol.

When you've experienced trauma, you also develop hats. These hats are like defense mechanisms, like shutting down, running away, freezing, acting out, drinking or doing drugs, and the list goes on. What kind of hats do you have? These hats protect you from danger, or the threat of harm, whether it's actual, perceived, or comes from a previous experience that finds itself front and center in your life. These hats are not bad, per se, at least the purpose is not bad, but the behavior or reaction may be.

For example, perhaps you shut down in the middle of an argument (heck sometimes it's necessary to shut down - like KYMS - keep your mouth shut, but I'm not referring to this in my example). You may shut down and freeze because of fear of rejection, failure, or fear of backlash or, ______________ (you fill in the blank). You see, it's not you, it's your system protecting you because it senses danger, but not present danger. It is bringing up past danger, something we call 'trauma time.'

When you go into trauma time it's because fragmented pieces from your past are activated and become present. You feel it physically and emotionally, because trauma is stored in the body. There's a huge connection between the two, but we've neglected this information for too long - typically dealing with one or the other, but not both.

It's hard to take these hats off at will because your nervous system, or the amygdala (the fight, flight, freeze response) activates before you realize what's happening. When you've experienced trauma, sometimes that amygdala hat is overly triggered. So how do you deal with trauma hats? You have to get unstuck.

If you are ready to get unstuck and would like more information, feel free to reach out to me at www.butterflyeffectccc.com, or email me at shelly@butterflyeffectccc.com Your journey to healing awaits.

3 ways to Increase Self-Esteem

Have you ever watched a movie that spoke volumes to you? Me too! I recently watched a movie called Alpha, and saw lots of great messages, but I want to specifically discuss 3 ways to help you increase self-esteem. You can find more info about the movie here.

The Backdrop

Here's the back story: There's a tribe of hunters, and each season they prepare to go out to hunt a heard of Bison they called "great beasts." It's what sustains them - food, clothing, shelter, etc. Prior to "the hunt," there's the preparation. Keda, the son of the tribal leader, is dealing with some major #insecurities. He's not sure he is good enough to take over. You see, when they go out for the hunt, it's dangerous. One hunt, one wrong move, can make the difference between life and death. That's a lot of #pressure - #internal and #external.

High Expectations

Keda has to manage his Father and the tribe's high expectations. After all, he's next in line to lead the pack. He needs to be perfect, have keen eyesight and strategies. He needs to show no fear - only strength. He needs to be skilled, no flaws, no mistakes - the expert hunter and leader. The tribe members questioned whether Keda had it in him to be a #leader - not by words, but by their looks and body language. He could feel their questioning eyes burning through his heart. He didn't feel strong, yet his father constantly reminded him, "Life is for the strong, it is earned not given."

Sometimes body language speaks louder than words, ya know what I mean?

Identity Crisis

Keda had two problems: First, he had a tender heart. He was loving, kind, and thoughtful. The thought of taking an animal's life terrified him. This was a major #conflict. How would the tribe eat? How would they build their homes and make clothes without performing this act? It was part of the culture, but he was different. He felt pressured. Second, he really didn't believe he could do it. I imagine he had some pretty sour conversations about his ability, or inability. You ever been there? He couldn't see beyond the #fear.

Low Self Esteem and Fear - the Power Combo

Low self esteem and fear. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. They feed off each other like the scum at the bottom of the ocean. Yea, they are like bottom feeders. They gobble up everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. In the movie, at the very moment when it mattered, when the opportunity presented itself for Keda to break out and show the tribe what he was made of - he froze. He shut down, consumed by fear and terror.

To his demise, Keda was scooped up by the bison, thrown over the cliff, and left for dead...a real cliff hanger!

"Sometimes you have to find your self when you are by yourself" - Shelly Bates

This is the ah ha moment. There were several things Keda did that helped to change his #perspective and present identity of not being good enough, and having low #confidence, but I'm going to give you top 3 tips.

Tip #1: Increase self confidence by doing something or helping someone else

Keda was alone. When a pack of wolves attacked him, he was forced to make a #choice - to live, or to die. He chose to live, and in doing so he injured one of the wolves. Because of who he was, it pained him to see the injured wolf, and he began to care for it. He nursed the wound, hunted for food, and fed the wolf until he gained his strength back. During this time his focus was not on his insecurities and what he couldn't do. Instead, he helped someone, in this case, the wolf, who was in worse condition. Helping someone else can be a healthy way for you to see your inner strengths. Maybe you realize it's not that bad; or, maybe you realize it is bad, but you've made it this far, you can keep going. Perhaps you realize you are stronger than you are!

Tip #2: Pay attention to those pesky thoughts that want to keep you in that #negative rut

Cogito, ergo sum (René Descartes). What the heck does this mean? "I think therfore I am." Remember when I said body language speaks louder than words? Well, Keda never really said "I can't do it," "I'm not a leader," "I'm not good enough," "I am weak," "I am afraid, no, terrified," but his body language and actions did. You see, your thoughts are powerful. So strong, that what you think in your head and tell yourself in that gray matter, you may eventually begin to act out because you believe it to be true.

Tip #3: Challenge those pesky thoughts by rehearsing #positive thoughts, memories, or words of #affirmation that can increase #self #esteem.

Keda needed to get back home. Not only did he have to find his way by himself (of course his trusty side-kick, the wolf, whom he named "Alpha" was with him), but he also had to make it home before the harsh winter. As Keda braved the elements, there were times when he was weak #emotionally, #physically, and #mentally, but he managed to remember the things his father told him, like "prove you can lead, find your strength," Alpha’, the leader of the wolf-pack, must take care of his pack above all else," and one of my favorites, "...he is stronger than he knows he is."

When you rehearse positive thoughts and affirmations, it can change a lot of things.

Spoiler alert...spoiler alert...spoiler alert.

Just kidding. I don't want to give it away for you. I learned a lot watching this movie. There are lots of things that we can do to increase confidence and self esteem. Like Keda, it takes work, persistence, and help, but it can be done.

Be sure to subscribe to the blog for more great insights delivered straight to your mailbox. And if you have a chance to watch the movie, comment below to share your thoughts on this blog post.

If you are struggling with low self esteem and would like help contact me at:  469-409-1212 or email at shelly@butterflyeffectccc.com