Trauma Hats

Image by Image by Hans Braxmeier. Pixabay.com

We all have different hats that we wear depending on the situation. I have several hats - a mom hat, a therapist hat, a wife hat, a professional hat, a friend hat, a sibling hat, a ministry hat, and more. Each hat serves a purpose. It's not me being fake. It's me adjusting to what is needed in the moment.

All of the hats are mine. I just don't need to wear them all of the time. Typically it's a fluid process of moving from one hat to another, but not always.

Sometimes I can't control the hats and I have to verbally remind myself to remove the hat; that I am not in that place or space anymore. Honestly, it's hard to take off the therapist hat once I get home, but my family will remind me I am 'not' their therapist, lol.

When you've experienced trauma, you also develop hats. These hats are like defense mechanisms, like shutting down, running away, freezing, acting out, drinking or doing drugs, and the list goes on. What kind of hats do you have? These hats protect you from danger, or the threat of harm, whether it's actual, perceived, or comes from a previous experience that finds itself front and center in your life. These hats are not bad, per se, at least the purpose is not bad, but the behavior or reaction may be.

For example, perhaps you shut down in the middle of an argument (heck sometimes it's necessary to shut down - like KYMS - keep your mouth shut, but I'm not referring to this in my example). You may shut down and freeze because of fear of rejection, failure, or fear of backlash or, ______________ (you fill in the blank). You see, it's not you, it's your system protecting you because it senses danger, but not present danger. It is bringing up past danger, something we call 'trauma time.'

When you go into trauma time it's because fragmented pieces from your past are activated and become present. You feel it physically and emotionally, because trauma is stored in the body. There's a huge connection between the two, but we've neglected this information for too long - typically dealing with one or the other, but not both.

It's hard to take these hats off at will because your nervous system, or the amygdala (the fight, flight, freeze response) activates before you realize what's happening. When you've experienced trauma, sometimes that amygdala hat is overly triggered. So how do you deal with trauma hats? You have to get unstuck.

If you are ready to get unstuck and would like more information, feel free to reach out to me at www.butterflyeffectccc.com, or email me at shelly@butterflyeffectccc.com Your journey to healing awaits.

3 ways to Increase Self-Esteem

Have you ever watched a movie that spoke volumes to you? Me too! I recently watched a movie called Alpha, and saw lots of great messages, but I want to specifically discuss 3 ways to help you increase self-esteem. You can find more info about the movie here.

The Backdrop

Here's the back story: There's a tribe of hunters, and each season they prepare to go out to hunt a heard of Bison they called "great beasts." It's what sustains them - food, clothing, shelter, etc. Prior to "the hunt," there's the preparation. Keda, the son of the tribal leader, is dealing with some major #insecurities. He's not sure he is good enough to take over. You see, when they go out for the hunt, it's dangerous. One hunt, one wrong move, can make the difference between life and death. That's a lot of #pressure - #internal and #external.

High Expectations

Keda has to manage his Father and the tribe's high expectations. After all, he's next in line to lead the pack. He needs to be perfect, have keen eyesight and strategies. He needs to show no fear - only strength. He needs to be skilled, no flaws, no mistakes - the expert hunter and leader. The tribe members questioned whether Keda had it in him to be a #leader - not by words, but by their looks and body language. He could feel their questioning eyes burning through his heart. He didn't feel strong, yet his father constantly reminded him, "Life is for the strong, it is earned not given."

Sometimes body language speaks louder than words, ya know what I mean?

Identity Crisis

Keda had two problems: First, he had a tender heart. He was loving, kind, and thoughtful. The thought of taking an animal's life terrified him. This was a major #conflict. How would the tribe eat? How would they build their homes and make clothes without performing this act? It was part of the culture, but he was different. He felt pressured. Second, he really didn't believe he could do it. I imagine he had some pretty sour conversations about his ability, or inability. You ever been there? He couldn't see beyond the #fear.

Low Self Esteem and Fear - the Power Combo

Low self esteem and fear. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. They feed off each other like the scum at the bottom of the ocean. Yea, they are like bottom feeders. They gobble up everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. In the movie, at the very moment when it mattered, when the opportunity presented itself for Keda to break out and show the tribe what he was made of - he froze. He shut down, consumed by fear and terror.

To his demise, Keda was scooped up by the bison, thrown over the cliff, and left for dead...a real cliff hanger!

"Sometimes you have to find your self when you are by yourself" - Shelly Bates

This is the ah ha moment. There were several things Keda did that helped to change his #perspective and present identity of not being good enough, and having low #confidence, but I'm going to give you top 3 tips.

Tip #1: Increase self confidence by doing something or helping someone else

Keda was alone. When a pack of wolves attacked him, he was forced to make a #choice - to live, or to die. He chose to live, and in doing so he injured one of the wolves. Because of who he was, it pained him to see the injured wolf, and he began to care for it. He nursed the wound, hunted for food, and fed the wolf until he gained his strength back. During this time his focus was not on his insecurities and what he couldn't do. Instead, he helped someone, in this case, the wolf, who was in worse condition. Helping someone else can be a healthy way for you to see your inner strengths. Maybe you realize it's not that bad; or, maybe you realize it is bad, but you've made it this far, you can keep going. Perhaps you realize you are stronger than you are!

Tip #2: Pay attention to those pesky thoughts that want to keep you in that #negative rut

Cogito, ergo sum (René Descartes). What the heck does this mean? "I think therfore I am." Remember when I said body language speaks louder than words? Well, Keda never really said "I can't do it," "I'm not a leader," "I'm not good enough," "I am weak," "I am afraid, no, terrified," but his body language and actions did. You see, your thoughts are powerful. So strong, that what you think in your head and tell yourself in that gray matter, you may eventually begin to act out because you believe it to be true.

Tip #3: Challenge those pesky thoughts by rehearsing #positive thoughts, memories, or words of #affirmation that can increase #self #esteem.

Keda needed to get back home. Not only did he have to find his way by himself (of course his trusty side-kick, the wolf, whom he named "Alpha" was with him), but he also had to make it home before the harsh winter. As Keda braved the elements, there were times when he was weak #emotionally, #physically, and #mentally, but he managed to remember the things his father told him, like "prove you can lead, find your strength," Alpha’, the leader of the wolf-pack, must take care of his pack above all else," and one of my favorites, "...he is stronger than he knows he is."

When you rehearse positive thoughts and affirmations, it can change a lot of things.

Spoiler alert...spoiler alert...spoiler alert.

Just kidding. I don't want to give it away for you. I learned a lot watching this movie. There are lots of things that we can do to increase confidence and self esteem. Like Keda, it takes work, persistence, and help, but it can be done.

Be sure to subscribe to the blog for more great insights delivered straight to your mailbox. And if you have a chance to watch the movie, comment below to share your thoughts on this blog post.

If you are struggling with low self esteem and would like help contact me at:  469-409-1212 or email at shelly@butterflyeffectccc.com

The Trans-formative Process

The Beauty of the Butterfly

Everyone has the capacity for growth. The question is, what do you want the end to look like? This is your transformation process!

Honesty is the best policy, right? Okay, here it goes. I used to be afraid of butterflies. No, seriously! These fragile, beautiful, and gentle little creatures scared me to death! So you're probably wondering why is the #butterfly the theme of my #counseling center.

When I was younger, there were parts of my life that were out of control. I didn't feel safe. Trust was a huge factor, and it affected many areas of my life. In my mind, there was no way to control a #butterfly. It flew wherever it wanted. I felt powerless against this little creature.

Have you ever felt like this before? When you've suffered from #trauma, sometimes your vision becomes skewed. Things that are small seem big, and things that are big or important seem minute and of no interest. It's like looking through the wrong side of the binoculars.

If you make the right connection, #counseling can help you put things into a more healthy perspective. Just like the #butterfly, I had to go through a #transformation process. And boy, it sure wasn't easy. I won't bore you with my life's story, but I will say this, life is about #transformation. It's about a dramatic change, in form or appearance. From the moment you are born, your appearance changes. Truthfully, no one gets away from it.

It took years for me to work through my fear of butterflies, but I made it. As a matter of fact, I saw a big beautiful brown, white, and tan butterfly in my back yard the other day. And you know what? I didn't run and scream like I would have done in the past. Nope. Instead, I looked at it, smiled, and said, "Wow, what a beautiful butterfly." And in that moment, I realized, I, like that butterfly, was free. Free to gaze at its beauty. Free to watch it flutter around the flowers in the garden.

My thoughts about butterflies are different. My thoughts about myself are different. I have come to realize that we can all be different and still co-exist. That's the power of #transformation.

I encourage you to take the journey to growth. Sometimes you have to be intentional about what you want to change. Some things you can do by yourself, and somethings require the support of a professional, like a #counselor. Whatever it is, I encourage you to take a step of faith. One small step is all it takes.

Welcome to your new journey. Welcome to your #transformation.